Marseille.
I have done some pictures sitting on the “Sessel” of my room, which I re-organized to be looking towards one of the 2 big windows, to sunbathe. The room is bright and spacious. The mattress is good, and hard enough to avoid further back pain.
I try to go slow, even though I always want to go fast. One of my favorite songs is from the 80´s movie, Streets of Fire, and I think that even the title is “Nowhere Fast”.
I´m learning to respect my crip time. To sunbathe from a room, without creating further frustrations about “not being out there” all the time. My Saggitarius nature surrendered to my Taurus rising. Me learning to listen to my body signs. Rest, stretch, walk, and do less. There is an abundance in slow-pacing, even though you learned otherwise.
I tend to compare my time with other people´s time. Generally, in a way that is damaging to my health. Sometimes all that is needed is a phone call, and a well-intentioned friend asking: have you been at the beach? If I were you I would be all the time at the beach. I completely forget that this friend has other crip issues (no fatigue) and that they are not used to having so much on their plate as I do, therefore, their self-care is daily. And I do need extra. I need breaks. I need to compensate for having worked 7 to 12 hours daily for months last year, and I´m not even mentioning the personal issues I had to deal with.
I feel that this research on crip time goes beyond the artistic interest and connects to healing. Healing as a regular practice, not a goal to be reached. I do not intend to reach a place of non-disability. I intend to understand myself better so that I respect my boundaries. I wish to be able to work in a way that is accessible to me. I do not want to be one more artist who adds to the actual trend of talking about and working on the topic of healing. By just understanding my crip time the healing can occur. Maybe I can take you with me on this journey. Maybe you too can stop for a moment and ask yourself if what you are doing is compensating for possible damages done to the body.
I know, of course, I know this: taking breaks is a privilege. It is not always possible, for financial and other reasons too.
But crip time is not about taking breaks only. Crip time is a perception of Chronos which is neither chronological nor cartesian.
Following that friend´s phone call, I decided that, indeed, I needed to find a way to go to the beach. I searched at Google maps and saw that the closest one is 3 km away from the place where I´m staying. Easy peasy, you can do it! Plus points for doing that 20-minute daily exercise recommended by a trusted doctor. Meanwhile, I said to myself “I return home taking an Uber” and, through that, a way to calm down my chronic fatigue was found, and the fear of not being able to make it disappeared.
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